Idealism & Lifelong Depression

I can summarize my life of depression by defining it as a temporary feeling of "hopelessness." It usually is related to relationships or jobs, or both. And then I also suffer from an underlying depression, which I'll get to later.

I remember my first hard depression was during the summer of my sophomore year in college. Once out of college for the summer I worked as a maintenance man for a newspaper plant. Most of my time was spent doing yard work at the publisher's estate. My social connections were cut off and I was spending long days in the brutal heat. I thought I would never get a girlfriend or that I would never get a white collar job. The process repeated itself the next summer. I did finally get a girlfriend and moved into the office.

The next big depression that I recall was in the mid-80s when I was miserable at a job. The job itself was a pure dream job -- I was associate editor of an aviation magazine. I worked for a good company that provided many benefits and paid holidays. But my immediate supervisor was an unhappy human being who made me miserable.

During that time I became a very negative person. A wake-up call was when a couple of my friends said, "I almost stopped hanging out with you because you were so negative." I did leave that job, and my next two jobs were wonderful, and kept me happily employed for 29 years. But the lesson I learned is that depression is something that should always be kept hidden. Why? Because a depressed person is often seen as negative. Also, no one really cares if you're depressed, and they don't understand it. So, to this day, when someone asks how I'm doing, my response is always "great."

Moving Forward

Those two periods of my life were my worst depressions, but I've had many more small ones that were also related to jobs and relationships. More recently my last employer was in a state of decline, and so was my marriage. I was depressed because I was in a bad marriage but didn't have the courage to get out. I kept thinking about finances, or the impact on my grown children, or the stigma of being the only divorced person in my family. So, I stayed in a miserable marriage, which was a mistake.

Then, I lost my job of 26 years. It wasn't depressing until I realized that I couldn't get another job with similar pay and benefits. Eventually, I had to take a huge cut in pay and benefits to become re-employed. I don't make enough to pay my expenses, and I'm on a slowly sinking ship.

Beneath the Surface

Underneath the regular bouts of depression over relationships and finances is a lifelong depression about the state of the world. My problem is that I think too much and ever since age 10 I've been sad about humanity's relentless, savage rape of our planet. I constantly think about Leanita McClain, a fellow journalist in Chicago who committed suicide in 1984. She was an African-American reporter with a promising career. As a newspaper reporter she saw too much, and unlike most people, she felt too much. I like to call myself a "hopeless idealist," and I believe she was one too. In one of her writings she said:

"Why can’t people just be people and live in peace and harmony. Maybe I’m in search of the perfect world. Or maybe I’m just me. That’s it. I’m me. But ... to be me is to be nothing — to be nothing is to be me. And I love all people. Even pink polka-dotted ones with olive ears.”

And to me, I've always had the same thought process, except I include caring for the Earth as well. Why can't we just get along and take care of the planet? That sounds simple, right?

Leanita killed herself at age 32, and I was 24 at the time, and working as editor of a small town newspaper. Her death never left me. Sure, she was diagnosed as having a lifetime of clinical depression, but I think it was her powerful idealism that fueled the pain. In other words, she cared too much, and I guess I do too.

Depression Coping Mechanisms

When I'm depressed I enjoy going into deep, hard sleeps, where I am taken off to a faraway land. I have vivid dreams, which serve as free entertainment. I think the deep sleeping is your body's way of protecting and comforting you. You get to escape reality for a brief while. Then you wake up, and your problems are still there, but at least you are well rested and can think with a clear head.

Another coping mechanism I had was retail therapy. As my last employer was sinking I would go out to eat a lot and buy Starbucks every day. Just getting that coffee gave me a brief moment of satisfaction and escapism. Retail therapy also helped -- I went on a buying binge and purchased an Apple Watch, camera, and other fun items.

Operation Breakout

I have to muster the discipline to find a way to earn more income, so that I can pay my bills and start saving again. In regards to relationships, I've had some incredible women in my life but the ones I'm attracted to the most are the ones who want to be "just friends." Haha, that's the way it goes and it's perfectly okay. I am grateful for their friendships and happy to have their company. I have no complaints at all.

Conclusion

I know I've had a relatively cushy life so far. There are others who have had a far worse ride than me. I have learned and am still learning to be sensitive to others who suffer from depression. Sometimes the reasons that people give me for their depression seems minor, but it's very real to them. So, I try to be understanding.