A Marriage Gone Bad

Since no one reads any more, especially blogs, I feel like I can get more personal. I'm writing purely for self reflection and therapy, but maybe someone will one day benefit from this message.

In 2015 I was separated from my wife after a 32 year marriage and the divorce was finalized a year later.

Here are some lessons I learned:

Go With Your Gut

As I was dating her there was a small, nagging feeling that I was making a mistake. It's called doubt. I was told that you can never be completely certain in a relationship, but this turned out to be false. If you have any doubts at all, or if you are seeing or sensing red flags, don't marry that person. I can tell you that "red flags" and "show stoppers" do not go away, so you either have to make peace with that or abort the relationship.

Take Your Time and Think It Through

Once I was out of college I wanted to move on with my life. It was programmed in me to get married, get a house, and have children. I was ready to get married and move to the next steps. I thought that once I married and settled down I could continue my work as a writer, which is something I was really into at the time.

Secondly, my wife was a pretty good match for the things I was looking for at the time, but as I look back I realize my "list" of what I was wanting in a spouse was shallow and superficial. What attracts me to a woman now is far deeper than what I was searching for then. I got married at age 23, which is too young. I now wish I had waited a couple of years to think it out more.

Cut Your Loses Early

If you are unhappy in a bad marriage, get out of it. My conscience is clean because I made a good faith effort to save the marriage. I studied The 5 Love Languages and tried to practice them on her. I suggested marriage counseling, which she refused.

For me, the final turning point in the marriage was in 2011 when I happened to be in Destin, FL at a conference. By coincidence my wife was vacationing with my daughter near by. When I offered to come by her place and stay for a night she refused to see me. That was completely mind boggling and killed the last traces of affection I had for her. I should have divorced her right then, but I foolishly let the marriage drag on for another four years. There were reasons I wanted to stay married: I liked her mother and sister, I didn't want to be the only divorcee on my side of the family, I worried about the financial impact, and I didn't want to upset my daughters, even though they were grown. As it turns out, these were all bad reasons. I simply didn't have the decisiveness in me to do what was necessary.

Bad Warning Signs

I would describe the feelings in my marriage as "neutral," and never "happy." I just figured a marriage was supposed to be that way. So, I developed deep friendships with several women who shared my interests and passions. Half the people I've spoken to said I was having "emotional affairs" and others have said that if it wasn't physical we were "just friends," and it was harmless. To this day I'm not sure, but I can say that creating these friendships was a warning sign that my marriage was going dead. If you are married and feel yourself being strongly drawn to others, that's a problem, and you need to stop immediately and assess, preferably with counseling. Otherwise, you are navigating your ship into dangerous waters and you can hurt the other two individuals as well as yourself. So, again, take action early and end the marriage if you find yourself being seriously and regularly drawn to others.

Conclusion 

So, don't rush into a marriage — take extra time to really make sure. And if it goes bad after you've made an honest attempt to fix it, then cut your loses and end it. Since my separation and divorce a few years ago I've been a much happier person. The financial hit was devastating, but it's a small price to pay for freedom. I'm finding that I really enjoy being single and will be far more careful and thoughtful if I enter into a second marriage.

Photo credit: Leon Biss