Alive

I love hiking in the dark, cold, and rain. Why? Because it's surreal. For a brief moment I am detached from my world and I get to briefly exist in another world that is far better.

Last Wednesday my hiking partner and I were on the last leg of our hike on a rainy evening. I stopped for a moment and looked up through the forest canopy, and through the choppy clouds I could see the evening sky. I stopped and stared. I thought to myself, "For this very brief moment in time, I am alive."

Thoughts of the Past

I am now close to the same age my dad was when he was diagnosed with cancer. Two years later he was dead at age 61. My dad was a career pilot and in his last years he restored old military training planes and sold them. He was an expert on a particular aircraft type and people from all over the world would call and ask him questions. I was proud of my dad. One day, while he was on his death bed, I said it was ashamed that all his vast aviation knowledge would be lost. He just shrugged his shoulders and said something like, "There's nothing that can be done about it."

So, perhaps that is why I like to blog. I have a lot to say and I feel driven to spit out as much as I can before the finish line. My theme has always been the same — saving the world.

I'm glad I started blogging again. As I get older the days, months, and years fly by at lightning fast speed. As I look back most of my life is a blur. I want to put my existence to good use, but I have a tiring job and a long commute to work. By the end of the day there is little of me left to do much of anything. Right now I am in basic survival mode.

The Miracle of Life

I live in the southern U.S. where people are warm and friendly, but also very religious and devoid of critical thinking. Most people here just go through their lives, focused on their immediate gratification, and few people think about the miracle of our existence. Many just brush it off with the simple statement that "God made us." I believe that we are the product of billions of years of evolution, which began even before our planet was born. We are all alien visitors. We started out as cells that hitchhiked on a meteor and we slowly evolved into what we are today -- high functioning bipeds that make fantastically complex machines from materials in the ground. We wrap ourselves in elaborate religions and myths, yet we are still simple animals.

Everyday I am in awe of me, this highly complex animal that has a consciousness. If not for us, the Universe would be a cold, dark place. But we fill the empty voids by our ability to be aware, and our ability to reflect, and process thoughts and feelings.

The Mission

I am a 58-year-old blogger who loves nature and animals. I helped to start two churches, which both ultimately failed. I co-founded a computer user group, which lasted 11 years. I held many positions in the Sierra Club, and eventually rose to the position of vice chair of the state chapter. During my years as an activist I worked hard on the Political Committee and successfully got a few green politicians into office. Some were swept out at the next election, while others lingered on for a while. But they are all out of office now. So, when I think about my successes in life, I have few. My two greatest successes in life are my daughters, who both have good jobs and are productive citizens. My other successes are the few people who said that I inspired them, and who went on to do great things. But other than that, I have little to show for my nearly six decades on the planet.

But, oh, since I started blogging in 2004 I've written over 400 posts. I was editor and/or director of the Georgia Sierra Club newsletter for six years, and editor of my local Sierra Club newsletter. I was editor of newsletters for two different computer user groups. I was editor of my church newsletter. Hey, I can write, I suppose. Maybe in all that writing I inspired or educated someone. I hope.

Here I Am Today

So, what will I do with my last stretch of life? Every day I try to be kind and caring to my fellow humans and to animals. I say kind words to people at stores and restaurants. I am funny and try to make people laugh because it feels good to laugh. I try to keep loving, although it always seems to go bad. I love because I hope that someday someone will love me back the way I love them. 

I keep marching forward. I have taken some huge hits the last few years and I wonder how I will survive financially through my final days. But then I think about the many people who were knocked completely down and climbed back up. I think about the ants — they are already rebuilding before you even finish stomping on their mound. The little guys inspire me.

Photo Credit: Max Saeling

A Marriage Gone Bad

Since no one reads any more, especially blogs, I feel like I can get more personal. I'm writing purely for self reflection and therapy, but maybe someone will one day benefit from this message.

In 2015 I was separated from my wife after a 32 year marriage and the divorce was finalized a year later.

Here are some lessons I learned:

Go With Your Gut

As I was dating her there was a small, nagging feeling that I was making a mistake. It's called doubt. I was told that you can never be completely certain in a relationship, but this turned out to be false. If you have any doubts at all, or if you are seeing or sensing red flags, don't marry that person. I can tell you that "red flags" and "show stoppers" do not go away, so you either have to make peace with that or abort the relationship.

Take Your Time and Think It Through

Once I was out of college I wanted to move on with my life. It was programmed in me to get married, get a house, and have children. I was ready to get married and move to the next steps. I thought that once I married and settled down I could continue my work as a writer, which is something I was really into at the time.

Secondly, my wife was a pretty good match for the things I was looking for at the time, but as I look back I realize my "list" of what I was wanting in a spouse was shallow and superficial. What attracts me to a woman now is far deeper than what I was searching for then. I got married at age 23, which is too young. I now wish I had waited a couple of years to think it out more.

Cut Your Loses Early

If you are unhappy in a bad marriage, get out of it. My conscience is clean because I made a good faith effort to save the marriage. I studied The 5 Love Languages and tried to practice them on her. I suggested marriage counseling, which she refused.

For me, the final turning point in the marriage was in 2011 when I happened to be in Destin, FL at a conference. By coincidence my wife was vacationing with my daughter near by. When I offered to come by her place and stay for a night she refused to see me. That was completely mind boggling and killed the last traces of affection I had for her. I should have divorced her right then, but I foolishly let the marriage drag on for another four years. There were reasons I wanted to stay married: I liked her mother and sister, I didn't want to be the only divorcee on my side of the family, I worried about the financial impact, and I didn't want to upset my daughters, even though they were grown. As it turns out, these were all bad reasons. I simply didn't have the decisiveness in me to do what was necessary.

Bad Warning Signs

I would describe the feelings in my marriage as "neutral," and never "happy." I just figured a marriage was supposed to be that way. So, I developed deep friendships with several women who shared my interests and passions. Half the people I've spoken to said I was having "emotional affairs" and others have said that if it wasn't physical we were "just friends," and it was harmless. To this day I'm not sure, but I can say that creating these friendships was a warning sign that my marriage was going dead. If you are married and feel yourself being strongly drawn to others, that's a problem, and you need to stop immediately and assess, preferably with counseling. Otherwise, you are navigating your ship into dangerous waters and you can hurt the other two individuals as well as yourself. So, again, take action early and end the marriage if you find yourself being seriously and regularly drawn to others.

Conclusion 

So, don't rush into a marriage — take extra time to really make sure. And if it goes bad after you've made an honest attempt to fix it, then cut your loses and end it. Since my separation and divorce a few years ago I've been a much happier person. The financial hit was devastating, but it's a small price to pay for freedom. I'm finding that I really enjoy being single and will be far more careful and thoughtful if I enter into a second marriage.

Photo credit: Leon Biss

Idealism & Lifelong Depression

I can summarize my life of depression by defining it as a temporary feeling of "hopelessness." It usually is related to relationships or jobs, or both. And then I also suffer from an underlying depression, which I'll get to later.

I remember my first hard depression was during the summer of my sophomore year in college. Once out of college for the summer I worked as a maintenance man for a newspaper plant. Most of my time was spent doing yard work at the publisher's estate. My social connections were cut off and I was spending long days in the brutal heat. I thought I would never get a girlfriend or that I would never get a white collar job. The process repeated itself the next summer. I did finally get a girlfriend and moved into the office.

The next big depression that I recall was in the mid-80s when I was miserable at a job. The job itself was a pure dream job -- I was associate editor of an aviation magazine. I worked for a good company that provided many benefits and paid holidays. But my immediate supervisor was an unhappy human being who made me miserable.

During that time I became a very negative person. A wake-up call was when a couple of my friends said, "I almost stopped hanging out with you because you were so negative." I did leave that job, and my next two jobs were wonderful, and kept me happily employed for 29 years. But the lesson I learned is that depression is something that should always be kept hidden. Why? Because a depressed person is often seen as negative. Also, no one really cares if you're depressed, and they don't understand it. So, to this day, when someone asks how I'm doing, my response is always "great."

Moving Forward

Those two periods of my life were my worst depressions, but I've had many more small ones that were also related to jobs and relationships. More recently my last employer was in a state of decline, and so was my marriage. I was depressed because I was in a bad marriage but didn't have the courage to get out. I kept thinking about finances, or the impact on my grown children, or the stigma of being the only divorced person in my family. So, I stayed in a miserable marriage, which was a mistake.

Then, I lost my job of 26 years. It wasn't depressing until I realized that I couldn't get another job with similar pay and benefits. Eventually, I had to take a huge cut in pay and benefits to become re-employed. I don't make enough to pay my expenses, and I'm on a slowly sinking ship.

Beneath the Surface

Underneath the regular bouts of depression over relationships and finances is a lifelong depression about the state of the world. My problem is that I think too much and ever since age 10 I've been sad about humanity's relentless, savage rape of our planet. I constantly think about Leanita McClain, a fellow journalist in Chicago who committed suicide in 1984. She was an African-American reporter with a promising career. As a newspaper reporter she saw too much, and unlike most people, she felt too much. I like to call myself a "hopeless idealist," and I believe she was one too. In one of her writings she said:

"Why can’t people just be people and live in peace and harmony. Maybe I’m in search of the perfect world. Or maybe I’m just me. That’s it. I’m me. But ... to be me is to be nothing — to be nothing is to be me. And I love all people. Even pink polka-dotted ones with olive ears.”

And to me, I've always had the same thought process, except I include caring for the Earth as well. Why can't we just get along and take care of the planet? That sounds simple, right?

Leanita killed herself at age 32, and I was 24 at the time, and working as editor of a small town newspaper. Her death never left me. Sure, she was diagnosed as having a lifetime of clinical depression, but I think it was her powerful idealism that fueled the pain. In other words, she cared too much, and I guess I do too.

Depression Coping Mechanisms

When I'm depressed I enjoy going into deep, hard sleeps, where I am taken off to a faraway land. I have vivid dreams, which serve as free entertainment. I think the deep sleeping is your body's way of protecting and comforting you. You get to escape reality for a brief while. Then you wake up, and your problems are still there, but at least you are well rested and can think with a clear head.

Another coping mechanism I had was retail therapy. As my last employer was sinking I would go out to eat a lot and buy Starbucks every day. Just getting that coffee gave me a brief moment of satisfaction and escapism. Retail therapy also helped -- I went on a buying binge and purchased an Apple Watch, camera, and other fun items.

Operation Breakout

I have to muster the discipline to find a way to earn more income, so that I can pay my bills and start saving again. In regards to relationships, I've had some incredible women in my life but the ones I'm attracted to the most are the ones who want to be "just friends." Haha, that's the way it goes and it's perfectly okay. I am grateful for their friendships and happy to have their company. I have no complaints at all.

Conclusion

I know I've had a relatively cushy life so far. There are others who have had a far worse ride than me. I have learned and am still learning to be sensitive to others who suffer from depression. Sometimes the reasons that people give me for their depression seems minor, but it's very real to them. So, I try to be understanding.

My Blogging Career, Phase II

It's early Saturday morning and I'm sitting in an auto garage waiting room. It's time to blog. I actually blog all the time in my head, but never seem to have time to write it down. For now, a few rambling thoughts:

The Risks

Words are powerful. My writing career started with my high school newspaper. The assistant principal called me into his office to review an editorial I wrote. We discussed it, I argued my points, and I won. Little did I know that a year later the same newspaper would make national news over a censorship court case.

I loved journalism and spent four years on my college newspaper, where I worked my way up to editor-in-chief. Controversy was my life. Sparring with the administration was part of the job. No fluff pieces from me.

I continued my journalism after college, where I started as a newspaper reporter. By age 22 I was editor of a small town newspaper. I quickly learned that one wrong word could get people upset and even get you sued. So, when our current crap president constantly screams "fake news," he is making a lie out of thin air. The truth is, as a reporter I strived to get things correct. If I screwed up there was the embarrassment of having to run a correction or even legal threats.

In 2004 I began my life as a blogger, which I'll talk more about later. In 2010 I wrote a blog critical of religion and posted it on Facebook. The family sent my oldest daughter to talk to me, and she said, "you're upsetting grandma." No one confronted me directly but I felt that I was being ostracized by family members for several years. Just for the record, I believe religion is toxic, and I make no apology if that hurts someone's feelings.

During my blogging I also had to constantly worry about employment. I am a strong environmentalist and I worked in an industry full of conservative small business owners, who felt that the Republican Party was best for them. It wouldn't take too much digging to find that I am a pro-green political progressive. I make no apologies.

All the time you hear in the news about someone getting fired for posting something on Twitter or Facebook. Again, words are powerful and what you write in the Internet world will go everywhere and will never go away. Just yesterday I learned that a close friend of mine is being threatened by a neo Nazi for saying something negative about "white people." Well, I'll go ahead and say it - white people suck. They are arrogant and walk around with a sense of entitlement. 

So, here I am in 2018, and I really need to start blogging more, and not worry about the risks. Having lost my old job and having lost my wife, I have little to lose. It's not that what I'm saying is bad or wrong, it's just that I get sick of people constantly ignoring the obvious because of political correctness or because it's "no big deal." I always want to be the boy who screams, "the Emperor has no clothes."

Toad the Blogger

In 2003 I had a year of epiphanies, and in 2004 I decided to start writing them down. After all, I had been a writer since third grade. My middle school allowed me to take creative writing as an independent study, and I continued my writing throughout high school. Writing was and is in my blood. So, I began to blog.

As I began blogging I acquired a group of loyal followers and made friends with other bloggers. Many evenings I would come home from work and spend several hours working on a single blog post. I had thoughts and feelings inside me that needed to come out. I started really thinking about our screwed-up world and began putting my observations in writing.

During my blogging I became friends with a fellow blogger who was a prolific writer. I really enjoyed his articles. But then he took a dark turn. He was in an unhappy marriage and he began to write about his pre-marriage sexual forays. He even told me that he had some women followers who were getting off on his writings. One day his mother-in-law found his blog and he disappeared. I finally heard from him and learned about his story. His marriage was in ruins.

In this current time of political sensitivity and "snowflakes," you have to be more careful about what you write, or at least willing to accept more consequences. Political correctness and counter political correctness are out of control. 

Sadly, blogging is now old fashioned and I don't seem to be getting my old followers back. People don't read much anymore, or they are so desensitized and beaten that they just don't care about anything. The focus for most people these days is quick gratification. Blogging was replaced somewhat by Facebook, and now Twitter and Snapchat. Most people now only seem to process information in brief soundbites. Society is being dumbed down into nothingness.

The Future

I lost my job of 26 years and had to take a huge pay cut to get reemployed. I am struggling for survival. I have to worry about things that I've never had to before, like keeping up with bills and health insurance. The future for me looks bleak. So many of my friends have lost their wonderful jobs and are underemployed or unemployed. When you hit your 50s the work world dumps you, and you have to spend the rest of your life trying to squeeze out a few dollars from the economy, to survive until you can get Social Security and Medicare. It sort of sucks.

I Must Keep Writing

I spent so many years cultivating my writing skills, yet I now work in the security industry where my talent sees little use. In my younger years I started six novels, but always ran out of steam and never finished one. I was an editor for 26 years, and worked on a teen newspaper, parenting publications, and industry trade magazines. It's sad that all this skill and practice will go to the grave with me, or that I will never write the Great American Novel. 

Purpose

My theme for blogging has always been "saving the world." I like to examine the various issues in our world and show the hypocrisy and problems with various behaviors. I proudly have four blogs, plus an aggregator where I combine all blog posts. Here are my blogs:

Letters To Pluto - Personal reflection.

The Second Sun - The study of delusions and my personal soapbox.

The Singularity - Social behavior.

We Live on a Planet - Environmentalism and sustainability.

Oh My Todd - Aggregator for all my blogs

I write because I enjoy it. I write for therapy and relaxation. I write so that I can record my journal and the evolution of my awareness and knowledge. While I've lost my audience, I still enjoy writing for others. I always have this secret hope that my blog will inspire people in ways that make the world a better place. 

A couple of years ago I started to question WHY I should try to save the world. Over the past decade I've become increasingly disappointed and jaded toward my fellow human beings. I began thinking, "why does the Universe care if this little green and blue dot is destroyed? There is no one out there to care." And I used to think it was humanity's destiny to populate the Universe. Why? So that we can just fuck up more planets? No, humans are the most destructive and disgusting animal on Earth, and they need to be quarantined. 

In 2015, right after my divorce, a lovely young lady came into my life and she really loves animals, especially dogs. And I mean she REALLY loves animals. She gave me the clarity to see a new purpose in life and gave me a new purpose. I now see that the purpose of life is to save this planet from ourselves, out of respect for the other animals that also call Earth home. The diversity of creatures is amazing, and it's up to us to protect them. I know that other people have the calling to help their fellow human, and that's beautiful as well. But, my particular calling is to use my writing skills and talent to help animals and the environment. I think I'm too angry and hurt to do much social work now, although I know it's the right thing to do. One day soon I know I may need the help of a kindhearted soul, and I will appreciate them very much.

Supernatural Experiences

I guess my life is boring because I've only had two supernatural experiences in my life. I am now entering them into my log, perhaps in the hope of one day figuring out what they mean and if they were real.

Experience 1: Spiritual being rips wall apart and turns me into a liberal

I was 15-years-old and attending a summer church camp at Lake Yale Baptist Conference Center in central Florida. It was in the early evening and still daylight. I was walking through an empty building — I believe it was a building where they kept the archery stuff and craft supplies. As I was walking through there was like a tear in the wall and the opening was cloudy. I could almost make out a white face, which was made of clouds. Then I heard an audible voice that said, "What you know is only a small part of what it really is."

Now, granted, I was pumped up emotionally from all the guest pastors and lakeside bonfires, where we stared into the night and got "Jesus in our hearts." So, maybe I just imagined the whole thing, but it has stayed with me for life (I'm 57 now, and people tell me I'm an "old fart.")

Experience 2: Dad tries to come back to tell me something

Fast forward 19 years and my dad has just died from cancer. I'm grieving bad. One night I fell asleep on the living room couch. Suddenly, I open my eyes and I see a ramp going up to a door, and the whole thing is floating in front of me. I see my dad looking at me, and he looks terribly sad, and he's trying to tell me something, but he can't communicate.

I've always believed that my dad went to great lengths to get back to me, to contact me, but couldn't quite do it. I don't know why. What's weird about this experience is that it just wasn't visual, but I also felt something. I can't describe it other than to say it was a cold feeling. I'm thinking that my dad was extremely worried about me and just wanted to reassure me that he was okay, or maybe he had a message to give me but couldn't. Either way, it was sort of weird.

Conclusion

So, I've always been openminded and will consider all options. If these experiences were just my imagination they wouldn't have stayed with me my entire life. In both cases I think I saw another realm, dimension, different universe, or perhaps the spirit world. In the 15 billion years of our evolution —way before our solar system was born — it's quite possible other, invisible, phenomena developed as well.

The first experience sort of went to my head. For years I always felt that I had some special purpose in life. I loved writing and figured I'd become a famous author. I had this crazy idea that one day I would write THE BOOK. From ages 12 to 25 I wrote all the time, mostly short stories and five uncompleted novels. Somehow, I felt the experience tied in with my calling to be a writer.

As far as what the statement means, I always took it to mean that Christianity just covers a narrow sliver of what's really out there in the cosmos, dimensions, and realms. Or, I took it to mean that there is so much more to our existence than what we know, or think we know.

If I imagined the experience, or made the whole thing up, I don't know what would make my brain come up with such deep, profound wisdom. Honestly, it did not come from the conscious me and I would have never thought of saying that. So, it had to come from somewhere.



Photo credit: gratisography.com

Religion Revisited

As I grow older my opinion on religion keeps changing. I do find theology and our enslavement to it very fascinating.

I will make a few observations:

• Physics - I do not believe any being can break the laws of physics. If the laws are broken that just means we didn't fully understand them or there are more laws to be discovered.
• Technology - For a being to do some super power cool thing, like read our minds, there must be some sort of technology in place. Perhaps it's so advanced we don't understand it. If a supreme being is not using technology, then maybe he's listening to us from another dimension.
• Magic - If you tell me your god can do amazing things, like heal sick people, and he can do it without physics or technology, then, by default, he's using magic. When I was a child I went to my friend Neil's birthday party, and his parents hired a magician to entertain us. I was absolutely amazed at the tricks. But, that's just it — the magician was just doing tricks, so it's not magic. Perhaps our entire existence is just a clever trick.

Jesus Christ Superstar

I've read most of the Old Testament and have read the New Testament several times. I went regularly to church most of my life. I was a youth leader, Sunday School teacher, Christian camp leader, church newsletter editor, and ministry leader. In 1996 I was ordained as a lay leader and still have the paperwork. So, I can tell you that I know the Bible pretty well. I can say that the Jesus of the New Testament and the typical conservative evangelical are a complete mismatch. The Jesus I believe in was a cool hippy who hung out with the outcasts of society and fought against the establishment. He was a good socialist who lived communally with his followers. The American version of Christianity is obsessed with a certain version of morality, which is more aligned with the dominant white culture. It's a big culture war between overeducated urban dwellers and minorities against good American country folk. Strangely, the Christians in America have become the establishment. They have built complex religious institutions and have jumped into politics, where they try to force their moral values into public policy.

Anyway, I'm not sure if Jesus ever existed or if he is a composite of several characters. But the Jesus as depicted in the Bible is an overall cool guy, and I believe in him. 

Ultimately, I have to go with whatever Dr. Bart D. Ehrman says, as he is the most distinguished and respected scholar on the New Testament. I've read some of his articles and watched some of his lectures on YouTube. If he says that Jesus Christ is a fictional character, then I must go with that.

Intellectual Dishonesty

I wrestle with the pros and cons of religion all the time. One the one hand, religious groups are doing great good in the world. But, ultimately, their whole premise is built around a lie, and I don't believe any good can ever come of that. Most religious people simply perpetuate the belief system that was drilled into them as a child. I look forward to the day when American churches are like Scandinavian churches. I've seen a few times where ministers in Denmark and Sweden are asked if they believe in god, and they respond "no." But they continue to do great work in their communities. Hopefully, U.S. churches will soon be like that, and also more into helping and less into politics.

Mythology Packages

I know that my post here will offend some people. But please don't be offended. Just show me the slightest proof that your god exists and I'll become your most zealous member. Everyone carries with them what I call "mythology packages," which are a collection of stories. Religion is weird to me because it simply stamps certain belief systems as "legitimate," and then the leaders of those belief systems are given a license to lie. If I told you that Zeus would save your soul, some people would throw their drinks in my face. But if I say "Jesus Christ will save your soul," well, that falls under the "religion" package, and I become a cool guy.

As one famous skeptic said, "Religion does some good and does some bad, but it does more bad than good." I think eradicating these primitive belief systems from the planet is important to humanity's forward progress. Ancient goat herder religions have tied us down long enough. Let's move forward!

Photo credit: https://pixabay.com

My Uncompleted Novels

I've loved to write all my life and at age 8 I wrote my first short story.  All I remember is that it was about a guy in jail. Starting in middle school I took all the creative writing classes I could, and I spent the 7th and 8th grades in an independent studies program, where I wrote for an hour each day. Throughout middle school, high school, and college I served on the yearbook staff and campus newspaper.

I was editor of my college newspaper and after graduation I became a newspaper reporter and then editor of a small town newspaper. From there I worked as an editor for most of my career.

I did most of my writing in my teens and early 20s. Once I got married I was eager to settle into a routine and write every evening after work.

Now, here I am, 30+ years later, and unemployed. The extra time has given me time to reflect, and I've been thinking about how much I loved to write. During my peak writing years I started 5 novels, but never finished them. I would write passionately for a while and then run out of steam. Each time I would be determined to complete my work, but the plot became boring or redundant, or whatever.

Here are the uncompleted works. I'm thinking about picking one and finishing it. Gosh knows I now have the time. I have most of the manuscripts lying around somewhere.

War Without A Cause
Time Period: Ages 12-16
Summary: It's a theme that's stayed in my head all my life. A group of people want to create a new world government that would fix all our global ills. They secretly built a fleet of 10-story tall robots and hid them in underground silos. The elevators lifted them to the surface and they began their invasion of Europe, Russia, and eventually the USA.

Winter Days & Weary Nights
Time Period: Age 16
Summary: A sequel to the first book, but this one gets more into the battle with the USSR. Americans raise two volunteer divisions that are stationed on the border with the Soviet Union. This book deals with feeding the troops, the new world government, and the famous General Larson, who was too cool to wear a military uniform, and instead walked around in a trench coat.

Rebellion in the Judi System
Time Period: Age 23
Summary: I was just out of college and thought I'd take a stab at sci-fi. The book was a play on the Roman Empire on a galactic level. I didn't realize it at the time but I think Star Wars influenced me more than I realized. Those little crappers stole my idea! I did study Latin for two years and was totally into anything Roman, so it was fun to write.

The Trashcan Novel
Time Period: Age 24
Summary: In college I was editor of my college newspaper and I had a guy and girl on the staff who were always together. The guy was a little geeky, so I already suspected he was doomed to be "just friends." Sure enough, one day he came into my office with his hair messed up and looking like a train wreck. His heart had been broken and he proceeded to tell me his story. One of the things he said stayed in my mind forever: "I was so upset last night that I wrote a 50-page poem and then threw it in the trash." I've always thought there was something particularly beautiful about a love you can never have. It's like the knights who said goodbye to their damsels and rode off into battle. Even if they survived, they would never have the woman's heart. Some baron or lord would get it instead. Hey, it sucks, but at least you get to experience that feeling of love, even if it's one way. So, anyway, it provided a great theme for a novel that centered on the beauty and intensity of a totally vain and hopeless love.

The Battlefield Life
Time Period: Age 25
Summary: Okay, this novel was a rip on St. Elmo's Fire and The Big Chill, which both came out around the time of my writing. But, hey, wait a minute, I think they stole MY IDEA. Anyway, the book is about a gang of friends who go through their contentious lives, and occasionally they get together to play a creepy board game with magic powers that takes them through screwed up lives. It's like the game of Life, with a twist of Jumanji. Hey, wait a minute, Jumanji stole my idea as well.

I also wanted to write a book on saving the world, but again, someone beat me to the punch. In 1992 Daniel Quinn wrote the book Ishamel, which drastically changed my life. More on that in a future post.